Play the Man Page 15

  But suddenly, that didn’t matter. He would have been willing to put it all on the line for the possibility of being in this position, in this bed, with Jenna for more than just that present moment. Nick wasn’t sure at all that it was a wise decision, but he would risk it nonetheless. He would make that sacrifice, if she were up to making a few herself.

  Jenna was surprised by Nick’s confession. She shouldn’t have been; she knew Nick, and she knew damn well that he wouldn’t just go around sleeping with a teammate’s girl without one hell of a good reason. Because of that, she should have known that he liked her. Well, there were a lot of things that Jenna should have known but didn’t. “I.... Nicky, I don’t know,” she replied honestly.

  He clenched his jaw and rolled onto his back again, retracting his arms, crooking his elbows, and placing his hands behind his head as he looked back up at his white ceiling. Nick supposed that Jenna would be feeling confused at a time like this, but the answer was so obvious to him. He knew. Even if she didn’t. So even though he tried to understand, he tried not to hold it against her.

  “Don’t act all self-righteous on me,” she retorted, pushing herself into a sitting position so she could look down at him. Jenna grabbed the sheet on his bed and held it to cover herself. “You think you’re the only one with a lot to lose? The only one who has to live with the consequences of our actions?” The sun peering in from the window shone its light on her ring, and it glinted and reminded them all of what they had done... again.

  “Do you love him?” Nick asked. The question carried more meaning than what the words conveyed. He wasn’t just asking if Jenna loved Ryan, but if she could come to love him instead. If she could ever leave Ryan to be with him.

  “Of course I love him,” she sighed, looking down at that ring. That big rock represented not just Ryan’s love for her, but Ryan himself. Jenna didn’t know how she could still claim to love him after cheating on him twice, but if it were at all possible for a cheater to love her poor, unsuspecting fiancé, then it was so for Jenna. She still felt bad for what she had done to Ryan. She thought that because she had done it once already, that a second time wouldn’t make her feel worse; it did, however, and she felt like she had lost another piece of her soul. “You don’t stay with someone for over eight years if you don’t love him.”

  “Then how do I fit into this?” he asked curiously, needing a solid, concrete answer from her.

  “I don’t know,” she replied, pursing her lips and looking away to a blank spot on the wall. It wasn’t a cop-out; Jenna really had no clue what to make of her life and recent decisions.

  Chapter 16

  “What do you mean, you don’t know?” Nick asked Jenna, dragging his line of sight from the ceiling to her face. She wasn’t looking at him; she was purposely avoiding his gaze.

  Jenna adjusted her position as she sat crossed-legged on the bed and wrapped the sheet around her front, tucking it under her arms to hold it in place. “I mean exactly what I said. I’m... confused, Nicky. You asked me if I love him, and I do. But you make me feel....” Her voice faded away into silence. The words she was thinking would have sounded ridiculous if she had said them out loud. Brand new. Special. Sought after. Cared for. Appreciated. She hadn’t felt that way lately with Ryan. Not since he didn’t care about the wedding. But was that changing now, since he had finished the guest list?

  He cleared his throat and effectively pulled her out of her thoughts. “Listen, Jenna. I’m not saying I understand the position you’re in. But I know that I can’t continue to do this. I can’t do it to myself, or to Ryan. And you can’t, either. It’s me or him.”

  She nodded, well aware that she had to choose but hating it nonetheless. Jenna knew that she would have to come to some kind of decision after what happened. Before, they were just supposed to forget about it. She had claimed it was a one-time thing, and that they were just going to pretend it never happened. Well, she had ruined any chances of that possibility. Maybe she could say the first time was an accident, but the second had been a conscious choice, not made in the heat of the moment. And now, she had to make up her mind—for once and for all—about what she was going to do. “I, um, I guess I need some time.”

  Nick pushed himself up on his elbows and looked at her. Once she said that, he realized that he should have expected that kind of reaction from Jenna. This was a big decision for her, he supposed; her entire life could potentially be turned upside down. But Nick, most definitely, did not see that as a bad thing. Not if she wasn’t happy with Ryan. He had, however, expected that she would instantly switch sides, because that was the obvious answer to him.

  He saw her unhappiness quite clearly. She couldn’t hide it from him once he came to stay with them. What her life was like with Ryan prior to that, Nick wasn’t sure. They’d always appeared happy, and he couldn’t tell when the change had taken place. Did they start fighting with the wedding planning? Or was this something that ran deeper in their relationship? Were their arguments something that stemmed only from the stress of the planning, or was this an irrevocable rift ripping Jenna and Ryan apart forever? But the one question that stuck out the most in his mind was if he could give her a life full of happiness. Nick was sure he could.

  Perhaps that was an assumption he was making that wasn’t based in reality—and perhaps it was only true in his mind. After all, they’d only been friends up until this point. They’d meet out at the bars and hang out, talk, and have fun away from the group of rowdy, raucous men drinking and yelling. They had so much in common. They definitely had more in common than she and Ryan had. But was that enough to know? They weren’t a couple. Sure, they’d made love twice, and both times it had been amazing. It had been slow, sweet, intense, and sexy. But without having tried a commitment, could either of them know for sure?

  Jenna wondered all these same things as Nick, too. They weighed on her mind more heavily than they did on Nick’s, partially because she didn’t know the answers instantly. She had a lot to think about and consider. She couldn’t think about this here, in another man’s bed. Grabbing the sheet off the bed, Jenna wrapped it more fully around her as she looked around for her clothes to get dressed.

  “Hey,” Nick said, placing his hand on her arm. Jenna stopped and looked back at him. “Take whatever time you need. I won’t rush you. I’ll wait.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered, peering down into his eyes. She could see that this was kind of hurting Nick, too. So many people’s happiness was hanging in the balance, completely up to her. Someone was going to be upset, and Jenna was going to cause it; the idea that she had to effect someone else’s pain was unsettling to her. When she had slept with Nick once, she thought that she was going to have to live with the guilt herself and suffer alone in silence. But now, Nick was in this, too, and he was in deep. And Ryan… Jenna didn’t know what she was going to do about Ryan yet.

  Nick pushed himself further off the bed, and he moved his hand up her arm to the back of her neck. Just one more kiss, he thought to himself as he pulled her face down to his and their lips pressed together again. He hoped it would somehow make her realize that he could give her everything she could want. That he could love her, not just better than Ryan, but he could out-love her versus every other man in the world. Despite the fact that he could not be absolutely certain that they could be the perfect couple, he only knew for sure that he cared about her and wanted her. That was enough proof for him.

  Jenna let Nick kiss her; she didn’t remain perfectly still, but she didn’t become an active participant in the act either. How could she? She and Nick had an undeniable connection, physically and mentally. The sex was good, and they got along well and had much in common. But did they have that emotional bond that could stand the test of time?

  As she pulled away from him, she wondered if that kiss held any of the answers. Was a kiss an emotional thing, or a physical thing? Confused as ever, she dressed under Nick’s watchful gaze. “I guess I’ll, uh, let you kn
ow,” she mumbled as she headed for the door, not waiting to see how he’d respond. Jenna walked quickly out the door and down to her car.

  When she had gotten into her car, she wondered about where she could go to think things through. Jenna could have called her friend Katie, but she thought it would be a bad idea: if she called Katie, she’d have to explain to her why she was so upset and what was running through her mind. She was already incredibly ashamed of herself, and she didn’t want to have to share her shame with anyone else. That’s half of the reason why she didn’t want to tell Ryan about what happened; the other half being her reluctance to tell him anything that would upset him. She did still love him; she wanted to be the source of his happiness, not his misery.

  But once she was behind the wheel of the car, she couldn’t think of anywhere to go. Besides home. Would that still be her home for much longer? She didn’t know.

  Immediately, Jenna had noticed all the little things he had done around the house. His bag was picked up from its spot on the floor, presumably emptied and taken care of instead of stashed away in the closet somewhere. He was supposed to do stuff like that as a grown man; it was his stuff, and he was supposed to be responsible and put his things away. But he’d also washed the dishes that Jenna had been too tired to worry about doing last night after dinner. She’d left them in the sink, soaking overnight, and now the plates, pots, and flatware were clean, dry, and in their respective homes in the cabinets and drawers. The basin of the sink had also been washed out, so any remaining soap residue or food bits were gone. This had not been Ryan’s responsibility, but he had done it.

  Jenna felt like she had been sucker punched when she saw that. Ryan’s timing was... impeccable, to say the least. This was the second time he had stepped up to the plate without having to be asked—even though, yes, he shouldn’t have been asked and nagged about it. She couldn’t remember the last time Ryan had put away his bag. He had done it on the occasions when she wasn’t around to do it, like if she had gone home to New Hampshire for a visit or was busy at the library studying. But when she was home and able, she had always taken care of it.

  At first, she just blamed it on his typical maleness of needing someone to take care of him. It seemed like everyone always said that men wanted to protect the ones they loved, but Jenna would argue that even the greatest protectors wanted to come home and be coddled and mothered. That was definitely the case for Ryan, because he worked and devoted himself to the game—because he loved it and because that allowed him to make sure Jenna had whatever she wanted or needed. Ryan loved spending his money on her; he enjoyed doing it more than she liked him doing it for her. Jenna didn’t need big flashy displays of affection. She needed quiet, private moments of true love.

  “Jenna?”

  She didn’t notice his lying form on the couch, snoozing away as her eyes flitted around to notice he even vacuumed the rug, which amazed her. Jenna wasn’t even sure Ryan knew where she kept the vacuum cleaner. “Hi,” she said.

  Ryan leaned forward and ran a hand over his face. “Where have you been?” he asked as he looked at his watch.

  Shrugging, she replied, “Out.” She wasn’t sure how to deal with Ryan at that moment, because she wasn’t sure what his angle was. Jenna was hesitant to say anything at all until she knew what his game was—and until she knew what she wanted. If there was one thing that she had learned about hockey while watching Ryan play at Dartmouth, it was that she shouldn’t play the puck. She had to play the man.

  A long pause ensued. He expected her to give more of an answer, and when none came, he pushed her for more information. “Are you still mad?”

  “Dunno.”

  “Are you mad at something I did? Are you mad at me?” he asked, desperately trying to find out what was going on in her head.

  Jenna looked down at her feet and mumbled her answer again. “Dunno.”

  “Are you only going to give me one-word answers?” he questioned, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He had her with this one.

  “No,” she replied, allowing herself to smile a minuscule amount. This was how he always made her laugh, even when she was feeling angry and frustrated. It was one of the many ways they fit together so well, because Ryan knew how to unwind her and make her relax; just like Jenna kept an eye on him and made sure he stayed within bounds. This was exactly how they worked. Even though Jenna slightly saw the humor in his question, she still knew the situation was complex and not funny at all. “I just need some time to think about everything.”

  “Everything? Like what?” Ryan felt his heart flutter rapidly in his chest. He didn’t know what she had to think about. And Jenna thinking… well, that was a bad thing. Nothing ever good happened when she said, Ryan, I’ve been thinking…. Usually, that meant he had to get a haircut, or they went for a spa day together for quality time, or even worse when she dragged him to a weekend couple’s retreat at some cabin in New Hampshire.

  “Why do you want to marry me, Ryan?”

  That caught him off-guard, more than her expressed desire for time to think. What kind of question was that? “I wanna marry you. Didn’t we go through this already?”

  “I’m not asking if you do. I’m asking why.”

  Ryan leaned back against the couch and ignored the point of her question. He was curious as to why she was suddenly asking these types of questions. Had he ever given her a reason to doubt how he felt or why he felt it? If he didn’t want to be with her, then he wouldn’t be; if he truly didn’t want to marry her, then he wouldn’t have asked. Sure, it had started out as a way to make sure she wouldn’t leave him, but that’s only because he always wanted her to be around. Married or unmarried, it didn’t bother him—but since she wanted that ring, he was going to give it to her. Ryan had always wanted Jenna to have whatever her pretty little heart desired.

  And wasn’t that the point of love? That there’s no rational reason or explanation for it; love just existed between two people for no other reason than it did. As soon as someone tried to examine the cause of love or figure it out, they ruined it. At least, that’s how Ryan felt about it. He used his heart in matters of love, not his brain. However, he was smart enough to know Jenna wasn’t like him in that aspect. She needed to apply logic and wisdom to love in order to make sense of it.

  Because he knew she required an answer, Ryan tried to respond in an appropriate way. “Because I love you. Do I need any other reason?”

  Jenna tried to be understanding, but she was disappointed nonetheless with Ryan’s answer. He made it sound so simple…. Not that she expected him to wax poetic or anything, but anything a little more in depth would have worked. Something like, I can’t live without you or You make me a whole person or something—anything—other than “Do I need any other reason?”

  She shook her head and aimed herself for the kitchen because she didn’t want to be in the same room with him when she contemplated her thoughts. After all, she couldn’t do it with Nick around, so she couldn’t do it with Ryan around, either. He didn’t leave her alone that easily. “What’s wrong with that?”

  “It’s fine. I just need to think about it.”

  “Think about what?” he pestered, desperate to know what she was thinking.

  “Everything,” she repeated. She needed to think about Ryan and Nick, and herself and her life. Her future. And what that meant for all parties involved. Something in the tone of her voice made Ryan back off. He still didn’t understand the problem, but he didn’t want to push his luck. She was upset, and even his attempts at lightening the mood didn’t help. Whatever it was that was bothering her was serious, so he let her walk away and do whatever it was that she needed to do.

  Unfortunately for Jenna, she had no clue of what she was supposed to do. How was she supposed to make an informed decision when she was feeling out to sea? On one hand, she had her fiancée. The man she had spent the past eight to nine years of her life with. The man who had captured her heart during her freshman y
ear at Dartmouth University.

  Everyone always seemed to wonder why or how they had become a couple, because it seemed like they were too different. But in their case, opposites attracted. She was serious and he was a goofball. They were yin and yang, Frick and Frack. She was the peanut butter to his jelly, the macaroni to his cheese. One in the same for almost a decade. When they started dating, Jenna often thought about what their lives together would be like. She wasn’t being creepy or anything, and she definitely wasn’t just trying to snag her MRS degree. It was the natural progression in their relationship to try and picture a potential future.

  And Jenna could picture it—quite clearly, in fact. The house, the white picket fence, 2.3 kids, and a dog. There was no doubt in her mind that their futures could hold that. Toward the end, she doubted that Ryan wanted the same. Ryan had never been afraid of being with her or given her that impression. It was just that he didn’t see the need to get married. For whatever reason, he bit the bullet and gave her the sparkly ring. Ready to do whatever it took just to make sure she was happy, even if it was less than important to him. A part of her liked that about Ryan: that he was willing to act for her sake and not his. And another part of her wanted Ryan to want it just as much as she did.

  Maybe that was a part of their different personalities. That even though they were in a committed and happy relationship, Jenna wouldn’t have been happy without that ring and certificate of marriage. And Ryan was happy with just her; no matter how he had her, just her, just Jenna, was enough. When she thought about it like that, Jenna felt horrible. Why wasn’t she happy with just Ryan? Why did she need the constant reassurance of his unwavering affection? Why wasn’t just knowing enough?

  If she couldn’t be happy with Ryan, as is, then maybe she should give him up. The thought of that alone strained her heart, although she wasn’t sure if it were because she had pictured him a part of her life for so long or if because she honestly didn’t want to do it. Yes, they had history; but did having a history automatically mean they had a future, too?